Putting On My Oxygen Mask—Gifts to Myself for the New Year

We all know the safety drill on airplanes…if there is a sudden loss of pressure, an oxygen mask will appear in front of you. When it does, you must put it on and adjust it before doing anything else. You will have plenty of time to help those around you. If you do not follow this advice, you jeopardize everything, including the lives of those around you and your own. It is great advice for our everyday lives as well, but one we often ignore. So, before I make my resolutions for 2013, I am going to put on my oxygen mask.

I give myself the gift of routine

When I first started my 50-by-50, I wrote a lot about getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, eating regular meals, exercising regularly, and similar routine things. These routines are essential to a happy and healthy life. I love excitement and occasional disruptions to my routine, but without the routine itself, I lose my center and lose balance in my life. I am finally at a place where many of these routines are settling around me and providing me with the support I need to be a healthy, happy adult who has more than enough capacity to be available for the needs of my family, friends, work, and non-profit work. So, I give myself the gift of routine. May it make me a stronger, happier, more giving person.

I give myself the gift of fun and fitness

I have built up, very slowly, to my fitness routine. I went through the C25k program and then onto a regular running routine. I’ve added walking on my days off as I’ve focused on weight-loss. This has worked for me, and I am often compelled to work-out out of some newly in-borne need. But, I cannot say it is truly fun. So, especially during the dark days of winter, I will find fun that is also exercise. I will dance to Just Dance IV which I bought for my younger daughter, and I will fence. Yes, I signed my younger daughter and I up for beginning fencing lessons at a local community college. A friend and her daughter are joining us. We will have so much fun! I give myself the gift of fun and fitness. May it make me more joyful and infused with life.

I give myself the gift of forgiveness and do-overs

Like most people, I am harder on myself than on others. When I fail, I often feel like giving up. I’ve learned, however, that there is no point in beating myself up over my failures. As Thomas Edison famously said about his attempts to refine the light bulb, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  So, I will try to look at my failures as evidence that I am willing to try new things and not give up when they don’t work. Edison also said, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not know how close they were to success when they gave up.” I do not want to be someone who could have succeeded if I’d only tried one more time. Several times in my life, I tried to be a runner, and I failed. I even tried early in my 50-by-50 and didn’t get it quite right. By trying a new way, this time I succeeded. So, I will try again, in different ways, to reach my goals this year. I give myself the gift of forgiveness and do-overs.

Find the Joy in the Journey…and don’t forget to put your own oxygen mask on first!

Girlfriends

I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately, mostly about girlfriends, because although I know a lot of great men, mostly through work or through my husband, I maintain a professional, if caring distance. Early in my career, I would sometimes go to lunch with a fellow worker…and was shocked to be advised that I should never go out to lunch alone with a man because rumors would fly. I thought that was ridiculous and I’m not much for paying attention to such…but in the long run I have followed the path of going out to lunch in groups rather than alone with another man. I guess it’s just a way to be more clear, not just to the observers, but to each other as well. After all, my motive has always been one of friendship, not romance. But, anyway, women friends are easier.

As a young child, I made friends easily, but when we moved between my Kindergarten and first grade years, I went through years of bullying that made me distance myself from the importance of girlfriends and maybe colors my feelings to this day. I met another girl on my new street that was my age and we became fast friends…until first grade started and it became apparent that the class bully had already claimed her as her best friend and I became the enemy.

Middle school was, well, middle school. High school was better. But all along I longed to be off on my own. I look back now and I have a few girlfriends from high school, several from college, maybe one (whom I’ve seen once in all these years) from graduate school…and tons from work, where I’ve been for 22 years. But, the common theme in these friendships is that I rarely see these women and yet when I do…it’s like we just saw each other yesterday. It’s a wonderful, magical thing. But, it’s different from other friendships I see around me that are more immediate and day-to-day. Sometimes I envy these types of friendships, wonder if I’m incapable of having them…but sometimes I think I’ve just filtered out the “friendships” that really aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

I found this World of Psychology website and its article, 10 Types of Female Friends by Therese J. Borchard. Frankly, of the ten, only two appeal to me and I think that my friends fit into these two categories. The eight I don’t relate to are: The Leader, The Doormat, The Sacrificer, The Misery Lover, The User, The Frenemy, The Trophy Friend, and The Sharer. The two I can relate to are The Mirroring Friend and The Authentic Friend.

The article defines The Mirroring Friend as:

The mirroring friend has an identity that resonates with our own. So we are drawn to her, even if we aren’t the same exact kind of friend ourselves; it is the mirroring aspect of the equation that makes it work. Our mirroring friends want to be with us in good times and bad with their matching joys and sorrows … and are able to provide great solace.

And, The Authentic Friend as:

The authentic friend is the one we are in search for, a woman who has a high tolerance for her friend’s entanglements and is deeply committed to the relationship. This relationship makes it worth all the ups and downs inherent in female friendship, and operates on mutual self-esteem, care, and flexibility. This is the friend who reinvents her role and adapts as friendships alter with time; she also remains steadfast with the patterns that have succeeded over the years.

I have a work friend of only two years who delights me. She isn’t the same kind of friend as me and has tons of other closer friends…but I’d say we are “mirroring friends”. I recently moved from a cubicle 10 feet from her to one 20 feet from her…so we no longer overhear each other’s conversations and butt in with our own comments.  The other day I saw her down the hallway coming towards me and she made a gesture to say, wow, I never see you anymore. When we got closer she declared, “I never see you anymore! I feel like we got divorced!” Can you see why I adore this girl?

I had a recent experience with one of my “authentic friends” which mostly showcases my own insecurities, but also the enduring nature of old friendships. I hadn’t seen her in ages even though in the past we’d have each other’s families over at least twice a year and she and her husband are my youngest daughter’s Godparents.  The fact that my husband has a job that keeps him away from home frequently was a major impediment, but I’d carved out some dates when he was sure to be home. I called her one night and got her voicemail. I left a happy message about wanting to get together. I didn’t hear from her and wondered what was up. I checked her calendar at work and saw that she was around. My husband assured me that it wasn’t like her to ignore my message. I knew this deep in my heart…yet I worried. I called again and left another up-beat message….still nothing.

So, about ten days after my first message, I called her at work when I could see from her calendar that she was free.  She was so delighted to hear from me and it was immediately apparent that she hadn’t gotten either of my voicemails. She and her husband and their children came over for dinner last weekend. We all had such a wonderful time catching up and just relaxing with old and dear friends. Our children, even though they hadn’t seen each other in at least three years, were thick as thieves right away and when they left, their eldest daughter hugged my husband and me goodbye…such a dear, genuine, and touching gesture!

I once read an interview of Sally Field where she said something that really touched me. Of course, I can’t find a reference to it when I need it! But the gist of it was to take what your friends can give and not expect more from them…to love them for who they are rather than resent that they aren’t the “perfect” friend by your own definition. It was an “aha” moment for me…meaning that I wasn’t a chump for being friends with erstwhile fair-weather friends…that it was ok to love them for their fair-weather support and forgive them unconditionally for their lack of support otherwise. It’s a place where I hope my friends place me when I’m going through my own challenges.

Find the Joy in the Journey and cherish your girlfriends, no matter how infrequently you get together!

Memories

I find it ironic that I love memoir, autobiography, and biography so much given that I have such a poor memory of my own past. I have a friend who has an amazingly acute memory of her childhood. I’m the opposite; I can remember some things vaguely and other things not at all. Every once in awhile a song or a fragrance will bring back vivid thoughts and memories, but if I try consciously to remember things, I don’t have much luck.

The other day I attended my younger daughter’s year-end Junior Girl Scout ceremony. After reciting The Girl Scout Promise, they recited The Girl Scout Law. This brought back memories of my own early Girl Scout years. The Law is as meaningful and universal today as it was back in 1912 when Juliette Gordon Low created the Girl Scouts of America. I doubt that this law alone shaped my ethics, but it was consistent with my upbringing at home, school, and church. Without realizing it, it is something that I strive to do each and every day, so I was stunned that I could almost recite it along with the Girl Scouts and that it made me feel connected to these young scouts and Girl Scouts everywhere.

The Girl Scout Law

I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do,

and to

    respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Living by this law, on the whole, is beneficial. There was one time, though, in the dark-days of my early forties, where living by the Girl Scout Law created a big problem for me. I trusted a neighbor who, meanwhile, lied about me to the other neighbors, used his pull in city government, and waged a secret campaign against me that caused my bank and builder to freeze in the middle of a major rehab on my home. Needless to say, this was disastrous! It was only by luck that we survived without losing our home, our marriage, or our sanity. And in the end, I am at peace with my own behavior which parallels The Girl Scout Law. It’s the only peace I can find about the situation, but it really did affect me in ways I’m still uncovering. I do think that “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” (That’s Friedrich Nietzesche…what is it with me and German references lately??), but it’s an awfully hard way to live. It made me bitter, angry, and fat (those things go together, you know). I know that forgiveness is a path through that pain…but frankly I prefer to find a different path…Perhaps, “time heals all wounds” is what I’m after. I have to hang my head every time forgiveness is the topic in church…because I’m not there…and much as I think and pray about it, I don’t know that I’ll ever be there.

But, for the most part the Girl Scout Law is a very rewarding way to live. I don’t claim to live up to it perfectly, but it is there as a standard in my mind to help me along the way. So, now that I’ve rediscovered it and laid it out in front of me…what does it mean to my 50 by 50? I think this is where “mission statement” and “vision” come along. So, I’m putting these each down in my 50 by 50…a personal mission statement and a personal vision for my life. Those aren’t quick and easy things to do, but they will lay cornerstones and guidelines for me that will help me live a life that is consistent with my values. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll help me solve the forgiveness riddle.

I’m sitting here listening to Tapestry, by Carole King. This is one for my song list…it reminds me of my older sister when she was a teen…she used to play it and I was enthralled. I am finding that the riddle of figuring out what songs to pick, then listening to them, is opening my childhood back up to me. And this song, in particular, resonates with my “patchwork quilt” of a life. It’s a rather mournful song by the end, but the beginning is what I particularly remember:

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever changing view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

So, I will listen to more music and have more memories and strive to connect on a deeper level with those around me.

Find the joy in the journey!