Girlfriends

I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately, mostly about girlfriends, because although I know a lot of great men, mostly through work or through my husband, I maintain a professional, if caring distance. Early in my career, I would sometimes go to lunch with a fellow worker…and was shocked to be advised that I should never go out to lunch alone with a man because rumors would fly. I thought that was ridiculous and I’m not much for paying attention to such…but in the long run I have followed the path of going out to lunch in groups rather than alone with another man. I guess it’s just a way to be more clear, not just to the observers, but to each other as well. After all, my motive has always been one of friendship, not romance. But, anyway, women friends are easier.

As a young child, I made friends easily, but when we moved between my Kindergarten and first grade years, I went through years of bullying that made me distance myself from the importance of girlfriends and maybe colors my feelings to this day. I met another girl on my new street that was my age and we became fast friends…until first grade started and it became apparent that the class bully had already claimed her as her best friend and I became the enemy.

Middle school was, well, middle school. High school was better. But all along I longed to be off on my own. I look back now and I have a few girlfriends from high school, several from college, maybe one (whom I’ve seen once in all these years) from graduate school…and tons from work, where I’ve been for 22 years. But, the common theme in these friendships is that I rarely see these women and yet when I do…it’s like we just saw each other yesterday. It’s a wonderful, magical thing. But, it’s different from other friendships I see around me that are more immediate and day-to-day. Sometimes I envy these types of friendships, wonder if I’m incapable of having them…but sometimes I think I’ve just filtered out the “friendships” that really aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

I found this World of Psychology website and its article, 10 Types of Female Friends by Therese J. Borchard. Frankly, of the ten, only two appeal to me and I think that my friends fit into these two categories. The eight I don’t relate to are: The Leader, The Doormat, The Sacrificer, The Misery Lover, The User, The Frenemy, The Trophy Friend, and The Sharer. The two I can relate to are The Mirroring Friend and The Authentic Friend.

The article defines The Mirroring Friend as:

The mirroring friend has an identity that resonates with our own. So we are drawn to her, even if we aren’t the same exact kind of friend ourselves; it is the mirroring aspect of the equation that makes it work. Our mirroring friends want to be with us in good times and bad with their matching joys and sorrows … and are able to provide great solace.

And, The Authentic Friend as:

The authentic friend is the one we are in search for, a woman who has a high tolerance for her friend’s entanglements and is deeply committed to the relationship. This relationship makes it worth all the ups and downs inherent in female friendship, and operates on mutual self-esteem, care, and flexibility. This is the friend who reinvents her role and adapts as friendships alter with time; she also remains steadfast with the patterns that have succeeded over the years.

I have a work friend of only two years who delights me. She isn’t the same kind of friend as me and has tons of other closer friends…but I’d say we are “mirroring friends”. I recently moved from a cubicle 10 feet from her to one 20 feet from her…so we no longer overhear each other’s conversations and butt in with our own comments.  The other day I saw her down the hallway coming towards me and she made a gesture to say, wow, I never see you anymore. When we got closer she declared, “I never see you anymore! I feel like we got divorced!” Can you see why I adore this girl?

I had a recent experience with one of my “authentic friends” which mostly showcases my own insecurities, but also the enduring nature of old friendships. I hadn’t seen her in ages even though in the past we’d have each other’s families over at least twice a year and she and her husband are my youngest daughter’s Godparents.  The fact that my husband has a job that keeps him away from home frequently was a major impediment, but I’d carved out some dates when he was sure to be home. I called her one night and got her voicemail. I left a happy message about wanting to get together. I didn’t hear from her and wondered what was up. I checked her calendar at work and saw that she was around. My husband assured me that it wasn’t like her to ignore my message. I knew this deep in my heart…yet I worried. I called again and left another up-beat message….still nothing.

So, about ten days after my first message, I called her at work when I could see from her calendar that she was free.  She was so delighted to hear from me and it was immediately apparent that she hadn’t gotten either of my voicemails. She and her husband and their children came over for dinner last weekend. We all had such a wonderful time catching up and just relaxing with old and dear friends. Our children, even though they hadn’t seen each other in at least three years, were thick as thieves right away and when they left, their eldest daughter hugged my husband and me goodbye…such a dear, genuine, and touching gesture!

I once read an interview of Sally Field where she said something that really touched me. Of course, I can’t find a reference to it when I need it! But the gist of it was to take what your friends can give and not expect more from them…to love them for who they are rather than resent that they aren’t the “perfect” friend by your own definition. It was an “aha” moment for me…meaning that I wasn’t a chump for being friends with erstwhile fair-weather friends…that it was ok to love them for their fair-weather support and forgive them unconditionally for their lack of support otherwise. It’s a place where I hope my friends place me when I’m going through my own challenges.

Find the Joy in the Journey and cherish your girlfriends, no matter how infrequently you get together!